im goin downnnnnnnn

i have not blogged in a while cos dang it has been a crazy month for me, with a vacation, a mary j blige concert, 2 of my best friends comin 2 visit, a fellowship application (gag me w/ lottery tickets folks), lots of practicing with my new band jelly, & EVEN MORE hangin' out!!!  i have been blessed this summer with the gift of many new friendships & have been tryna ride this wave.  lucky 2 have figured out how to live in a city i never fully got 2 kno until this past year & 2 have been engulfed in a mess of weirdo geniuses who respect me even tho im a plainclothes freak.

i would be remiss if a review of the mary j blige concert i attended early this month did not appear on my blog.  this was my THIRD mjb concert & i can't even begin 2 describe how much these r SPIRITUAL experiences.  mjb is there 2 soothe & process alongside her attendees.  if u have a broken spirit, broken man, broken sense of self--u will leave knowing the next step forward.  mary always takes a moment 2 pause & rap w/ the audience.  some perfect moment just as you feel yr heart might give out from shuffling in the aisle 2 cyclical tales of love heartbreak disappointment redemption.  sometimes people tell me i am good at giving advice but i feel that maybe everything i've learned about giving advice has come from mary j blige? "enough cryin" is one of my favorites in this regard--"I've gotta be out my mind to think I / need someone to carry me" there's venom but it's the kind of venom where you don't even wanna bother w/ the past.  what's there to look back on?  i've done enough cryin cryin cryin sings mary waving her hand at the gnats of her past that are tryna get some time w/ her certainty in the future.  ugh she nearly opened w/ this & i was not ready.  this was one i had not seen live yet.

arriving at the concert, my sister & i were greeted by westboro baptist protestors who frequent a lot of random stuff here.  they're a little bored & they're from nearby--it's kinda like when neighbors stop by your grill n chill & can't hang w/ the preexisting vibe.  they'd apparently listed the mjb show on their website as a very sinful event in need of protesting.  some held signs that said "eat your children."  my sister rolled down the window & yelled "we're gay, we're sisters, & we're married" our favorite joke being that we are both sisters & wives which is especially not funny if you're my mother & you have to listen to the beautiful song we sing to one another "my sister my wife." anyway at one point mary was excising the suffering from my soul with her razor-sharp wailing in "im goin down"  in front of a sick flame graphic.  these must have been the hellfires the wbc was warning about.  that said, the thigh-high glittery black boots mary wore throughout the show (throughout her 4 outfit changes) were truly an act of sacrament & mjb's entrance into heaven is imminent & mandatory. 

mjb's music is powerful because it creeps in2 yr body, possesses u w/ emotion.  her vocals dare U 2 quake & quiver like her heart.  she is always crying, always thankful.  she can't believe we've come to her concert, we can't believe she has decided to impart this wisdom.  if you're a mary j blige fan, you have been through some shit.  you are at the mjb show because you are ready to heal.  you are also at the mjb show because you want to fuckin dance.  we are all getting it in the outdoor airconditioned zoo ampitheater because doing anything else would be grand disrespect.  it doesn't matter if you're good at dancing or if you just like to tap your foot, sitting down is a disgrace.  even the boyfriends & husbands get up at certain points.  if you don't know the words you probably feel a little left out.  but how can u not know the words?  u have been here before.  if u havent had a not gon cry im not gon cry im not gon shed my tears moment you should not be at the mary j blige concert u sld b at the weird al show tomorrow night that a few of my friends r going to hit me up if u need somebody to go w/

anyway i could write a million more words abt mjb but i really have to go use the bathroom that's all folks

the kinds of dreams you have when you're sleeping in somebody else's bed

i am housesitting for two friends i see almost every week so it feels both strange & not strange at all to be using their shower, cooking with their pans, playing their piano, sleeping in their bed.  while i sometimes forget where i am as i go about daily activities, at night i am all too aware.  i had one dream where i was attempting to rearrange furniture, another where we had permanently traded beds, and a third where i struggled to cook an egg, cracking it directly onto the burner of the stove rather than into the pan which sat a few inches away.  in this last dream, my friend charlie flawlessly cooked an omelette right next to me as i made the unconscionable gaffe.  

in general, my dreams are far more likely to err on the side of domestic, laborious, believable, etc. than fantastic.  i often dream i am at work writing emails and answering questions or at home struggling with large loads of laundry.  these dreams are far more nightmarish & exhausting than ones where i'm falling off a cliff or committing a great crime, since they extend the monotony of my day into my precious hours of sleep.  that said, they have nothing on the ones where i'm fighting with an ex or being emotionally destroyed by my mother.  

my favorite type of dream is one where i've created an artwork i can replicate in real life, though it also falls--complicatedly--into the category of dreams that i cannot stand (which is also, unfortunately, most of the dreams i've already mentioned): dreams which play out real-life scenarios and leave me with a sense of confusion about their reality upon waking.  sleeping in someone else's bed seems to make me hyper-aware of the fact that i'm a person in a house--i fall asleep knowing i am in a room, in a bed, going to sleep, physically immersed in the spatial & sensory differences.  my dreams are then almost inevitably set inside the house, it all makes sense.  but i'm a person who cannot always determine what is real & what is not, easy to lure into a different reality & ready to live there interminably.  i wake concerned i'll be spending all day cleaning the stovetop or moving my own bed back into my house.

it's maybe a little different when you're sleeping in someone's bed with them.  you feel protected from the strangeness of the room, or understand it better.  though sometimes it's amplified.  the last person i dated was a restless sleeper and her whole bedroom seemed to absorb this energy, radiating it back into whomever inhabited the bed.  certain things, too--the bay of windows that sometimes meant we awoke naked and in perfect view of a woman in the garden, or the fact that there was a large loom in the dining room which i would bang into every time i went to the bathroom--kept me very alert of my surroundings, in spite of spending so many nights there.